Please,please share. If you can't donate, then maybe by sharing this will reach someone who is able. Most importantly, maybe her story will inspire more women to get themselves checked out. Maybe it will inspire other to live with more kindness, compassion, understanding and empathy. The world needs more light, and we have lost a flame. May her spark, find and ignite the light in others.

sharegofundme.com/sheris-battle-with-ovarian-cancer

The Best Cover Letter Ever Written

Wow, it's been a long time since I have written in this blog. I have got some serious weeding to do! In my absence a lot has happened. I was promoted a couple times, got married to longtime boyfriend "The Viking" and a year later, unceremoniously quit my job of 8 years. What I was not prepared for at all was exactly how much the job market has changed, how much the rules for looking for a job have changed, how much my age actually does impact the types of job I am seriously considered for and how I am treated throughout the process. But..more on that later.

After weeks of hitting the pavement, job searching via the inter-webs, going through interview after interview, I decided to take a break form the grind and have a little fun with it. So, after a day full of reading rejection letters and tweaking my resume, I drafted this fantastic cover letter for my dream job which I feel truly exemplifies what a shining example of adulting in the new millennia looks like.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   20/6/2017

Hola Bitchachos,

Thank you for your consideration of me as candidate for employment within your fine establishment.  I would like to take this opportunity to further outline my qualifications and highlight some areas that I feel will strongly support your organizational goals.

Skills:

I am fluent in Typo-nese, English, Russian, Swedish, Klingon, Profanity and Drunk-text

I am able to type “Star Wars” entirely with my left hand

I will let you talk about yourself, pets and grandkids all day long

Endless knowledge of Star Wars, Firefly, Star Trek, MST3K, D&D, WoW, GOT,  Felicia Day and Unicorns

My training as raid leader has led to the unnatural skill of being able to take super -fast bathroom breaks

Master of the Vulcan Neck Pinch

I am winner of such prestigious awards as: 

v  The 1989 Payless Drug Store Easter Colouring Contest

v  1992 VanDeWarker Family Farting Contest

v  2015 Keeper of the Flame Award (picture of me kissing the award available upon request)

Rest assured that should you choose me to for this position you can expect : Boundless energy, glitter in my keyboard, glitter in your keyboard, random stray cat hairs (I don’t own any indoor cat’s I just attract the hairs), disco tourettes,  Nathan Fillion Trivia, plethora of unicorn figurines,  a super friendly smile that’s not in any way creepy or unsettling, Warren Zevon trivia, high fives,  a ridiculously fast coffee retriever, a tiny desktop succulent farm, Mustache Mondays and finally, sinister jazz hands.

Thank you for taking the time to review my application. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

'IwlIj jachjaj

Ozmarelda Körvinöas Chamberlain

Mother of Unicorns, Rider of Dragons

How does a Viking Propose?

Like This...

Fake Nerds

I thank my mother for at least half of my nerdiness. She would get so geekcited when Monty Python, Star Trek, Star Wars, X files, Aliens, The V,  Battle Star Galactica, STNG or Alien Nation would come on...it was infectious. I have carried that childlike excitement with me my whole life. I love most things Science Fiction.

Except the Matrix.
 . 

I love stuff. I have a plethora of interests. It just so happens that people who love the same stuff that I do identify with themselves as nerds or geeks. Does this make me a nerd? If they don't like all the same stuff I do, does that make them a fake nerd? If I don't have every fucky syllable of the first 50 years of Doctor Who memorized does this make me a fake nerd?

No.

ghobe' (Klingon for No. Pronounced ghhhhobeh)

For those who like to call others "fake nerds" because they don't speak enough Klingon or know what the fuck a parsec is or is not, I say "FUCK YOU". Yes, take that in. Absorb those fucks. All of them. You don't have the right to call anyone a "fake nerd". You love what you love, you don't need the whole fucking Star Trek box set and yippee doo the fucking dah glass collection from McDonalds to be a "nerd". Keep your judgments to yourself.

Now, roll for the intestinal fortitude to stand out in the crowd, love what you love with no fucks to give and Pray to Corellon that George R.R. Martin is not your GM.

 

This Blog Has No Direction

Agreed. This blog is terrible.  I think if I was not working full time and taking care of a large household that I would have more time to focus on the things I want to write about. I am always coming up with ideas for stories to blog about- like the time my dad cut his finger off, or my brother tried to cut the cleats off of his shoes, or the time my car caught on fire- or even my fantastic trips to renascence fairs.

These days I have been stuck in a terrible depression and I can't seem to shake it. I know a lot of it has to do with the fertility medications I am on. Normally I love to write when I am feeling down, but this down is different. It's malevolent and sinister; robbing me of all the things that used to make me feel happy.  My life depresses me, my infertility depresses me, my job depresses me, being a mother depresses me, being a friend depresses me. There's just too much sad.

I don't want to make anyone sad. I just want my sad to stop. I hate feeling helpless more than anything. I hate feeling like I am not being heard or taken seriously.  I need to get this sad under control and start living again. I just don't know where to start. I mean really, who wants to sit around all day wishing they just didn't exist anymore?

I think I am going to finally give this blog some direction. I have decided that I am going to blog about being totally and ridiculously honest about life.  If I do something stupid- I am going to blog about it and share my thought processes no matter how horrible, selfish, stupid or insecure I may seem. I will write like an adult trying to make sense out of things.

I am going to write about my childhood and all the funny, stupid, crazy things that happens when you live in a large, poor,  dysfunctional family, but through the eyes of a child.

Yes the blog will feel bipolar at times, switching from humorous stories to more real topics like how fucking hard it is to stay away form soy and carbs!

Stay with me folks. I'
m sure there will be a gem in here somewhere.

I'm not gay, but there are days I feel like a unicorn and there are days I feel like this unicorn.

Imaginary Children

When I first started this blog, I had intended to tell colorful stories of my childhood and maybe enlighten a few about dyscalculia. Over the course of a couple years it has evolved into something a little more. When I write about infertility, it's usually through my tears and as I sit here now- my eyes are thick with salt water.

I spend a lot of time imagining what our child would be like. I imagine a tall girl- with her fathers wavy blonde hair and my blue eyes. I imagine all the things I was going to teach her like pottery and archery, baking and makeup. She's had a hundred names in eight years. I imagine a son with a freckled nose and an oversized wristwatch riding a bike with his dad. I imagine teaching him to be a good man. A simple man.

Each year that passes by yeild not children, but another dozen failed pregnancy tests. I grow more distant from the things I once loved and feel myself surrendering to a deep and lingering sadness that I can not shake. I wear masks every day to work but I am afraid people are beginning to notice there's not much life happening behind these eyes.

I feel myself pushing my Viking away in anger and sadness. I am angry that he loves me. I am angry that he loves me AND I can't give him what he wants; what he deserves. I break my body, force chemicals into it, sleep upside down, eat strange herbs, suffer horrible pain and sickness. I must endure debilitating anxiety attacks brought on by the hormones. I am subjected to humiliation each time I see a new doctor. And I do all of this because I love this man so much and want to give him a child.

It does not matter to me if he tells me we don't need to have a child. I know in my heart he wants one and I will be the reason he doesn't have an heir to his throne.  I can not live with that.

I never have felt permanent in this relationship. It  has always felt as though this relationship was hinged on whether or not I produced a baby. After so many years of failure the guilt, anger and complete and utter sorrow has broken me inside. I feel like the shell of a person, just animated skin  and bones masquerading around as a happy person.

I am slipping.

This causes me to stay away from people. I don't go to see his family even though they are right next door. Why? Guilt. I am a fraud. I am holding their son back from having a child. I am robbing them of having a grandchild. I see it when they look at me.

I lash out at the Viking- wishing he'd just end us. I imagine him finding someone who can and will give him a child. I imagine being both happy for him and terribly terribly sad.

I imagine running away to another state, Vanishing. Never looking back so I don't have to hurt.

There is no winning here. I lose no matter what. It's a terrible place to be.

People in my life do not understand what I am going through and I can not explain in anyway that help anyone feel what I am feeling. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Infertility truly is a lonely place.

My Viking is away for ten whole days and we are finishing up our last round of fertility treatments. I'm out in the woods all alone and hoping the hormones don't attract Bigfoot. To see how I would fair I took this handy quiz.


http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/bigfoot_love