Jealousy... Oh My Gourd!

I must admit I am a jealous, jealous, petty person. I have tried to purge this from me but I think I actually need an exorcism or something. I don't mean to be and sometimes I can catch myself being ridiculous, but other times I feel so justified being a total toad that I make a huge mess in a jealous fit and then spend weeks cleaning up my destruction. It is my inner demon I guess.

If there is one thing in my life that still sends me into a jealous fit, it is the trip the Viking took to Costa Rica With his ex-wife. Just thinking about the two of them spending a romantic vacation on the hot, white sands of a tropical paradise, sends me into a spastic, frothing at the mouth hysteria that has not been seens since exorcism.

The Vikings ex-wife looked like Daryl Hannah, but with a Sookie Stackhouse gaptoothed smile.

Really, that's not me exaggerating. A frenemy even confirmed this to me when the Viking and I broke up once.

Frenemy: "What were you thinking? She's like Daryl Hannah...you can't compete with that!"

I had hoped she'd be fat or ugly or both. Like I said, I am petty. In my mind I had her as being this hideous, golum like creature, but I found their wedding picture, turned around, facing the wall, in his bedroom and almost crapped myself when I saw her picture.

When the Viking and I began dating, he had been separated from his wife for over two years and was in the process of getting a divorce. At first he didn't talk about her much, but as we spent more time together she began making appearances in our conversation quite often. And since he loved to talk about their trips to Costa Rica, All I could do was imagine Daryl Hanna, in a bikini, hanging all over my boyfriend. Pretty soon I began seeing her sitting on the couch, eating papaya right next to him. She even seemed to be laying between us in bed. I could have passed her a smoke! I couldn't blink her away. She was all over the house.

One night while we were in bed (shut up) I was looking up and noticed some wooden thing hanging from the ceiling. It was neat looking and had pictures of birds carved into the sides of it. I asked him what it was and as soon as I did, I was sorry I had. He proceeded to tell me that that was a gourd he and Daryl Hannah had bought from Costa Rica. Apparently, they had bought those gourds (there were more of them hidden throughout the house) from a roadside vender and, within five minutes of buying them, she hit one on a rock and cracked it.  When they returned to the States, she hung them over the bed and used her sarong as a curtain so they could relive their experience in Costa Rica. (blegh) I watched in horror as his eyes began to sparkle and he developed a dreamy expression on his face as he was reliving this memory. It was like shaking a poleroid and watching the picture develop before your eyes. But it wasn't Auntie May's birthday bonanza, it was my boyfriend and his ex making out in front of a waterfall with a goddamned cracked gourd..

I stared at that ugly cracked gourd. I hated it. I realized at that moment, that the Viking was not over Daryl Hanna. There wasn't room in his queen sized bed for her too, so we broke up the next day.Within the month I had moved out of state.

I'm kind of crazy. Crazy in the way that when I am done with something, I am done. When I quit smoking, I simply said "I am done." and after 13 years of smoking, I quit.  I have not smoked or even had the desire to smoke since. It was that easy.  I was goign to "quit" the viking. I had fallen in love with him and knew he couldn't love me back. I couldn't handle seeing him everyday or running the risk of passing him on the street. An out of state job opportunity arose and I took it. That was the only way to be sure that I could quit him.

6 months went by and even though I said I wouldn't, I talked to the Viking everyday. I still loved him. I tried dating other people, but he was still living deep in my heart. Anyway, he asked me to come back and live with him as he realized he loved me, and so I did. We have been together  every single day since.

Now, all was not perfect...I still had to live with the gourds, but I did my best to erase every trace of her in the house that I could. She came and got some of her things, and I made damned sure that wedding picture was one of them. (yes I am petty) I didn't have the heart to throw the gourds away because, after all, the Viking had fond memories of his trip with his ex-wife. I couldn't be that selfish, jealous person. So, instead of throwing them out, I potted hanging plants in them so that they may be destroyed slowly over time. But damn that roadside vender. Whatever he did to those gourds has made them indestructible. They are immune to mold, extreme heat and water damage. So there they hang, in our new house, in the bathroom with ferns and spider plants hanging from them.

I have to look at them every time I take a hot bath. I can't help but think about the Viking and Daryl Hannah on their vacation. I imagine them sliding down natural waterslides into a beautiful lagoon, drinking crystal clear water from the gourds. I imagine mermaids braiding Daryl Hannah's hair while she puts coconut oil all over the Vikings body. I hate those mermaids. I imagine the couple sitting on the beach having a romantic pic-nic, writing "I love you" in the sand, sipping wine under big beach umbrellas.

I have moved the gourds, but no matter where I move them, I will still see them and they have a right to being the house.

The Viking doesn't mention Costa Rica much anymore. I think he's told me all the stories about mokeys and lizards and sky treks and hot springs and white sand and blah blah blah. I try and imagine Karate Unicorn running in and spearing her gourds with his horn of power then kicking sand in her face,

but that would make him a  bully and I can't use karate Unicorn for that sadly. Instead, he feeds the Mermaids dolphin sandwhiches and tells them it's tuna.

In all reality, I would probably let mermaids braid my hair too. I'm simply jealous that we have never had a chance to go to Costa Rica and drink Pina Coladas by the beach, or bathe in a waterfall together.  In fact, we have never taken any trips anywhere or even shared a Pina Colada. But what I often overlook is that I have him. We have a beautiful house that WE built with our own hands. The only thing stopping us form sharing a Pina Colada is the fact that I have no idea how to make one.

Nowadays I can kind of giggle at how stupidly jealous I get about his trips to Costa Rica and I know he kind of giggles at how ridiculous I am, but I know, if my master plan of world domination ever comes to fruitation, I will build a super tall wall around the entire country and no one will ever vacation there again. For now, I will just have to be satisfied with using those ugly gourds for planters.