Interview With Karate Unicorn

I had the rare opportunity to sit down with Karate Unicorn and get to know a little bit about him. First of all, let me say that he has a very ominous presence. He is every bit as tall as they say he is. He is a massive moving structure that stands about 10 feet tall and easily weighs over a ton and a half. He walks with pride and confidence. His voice exudes pure awesomeness as he sounds like a combination of Johnny Bravo, and Brian from the “Family Guy”.

Oz: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today Kungfoocious.

KU: Please, call me Karate.

Oz: Yes, about that. I noticed your name is spelled different on your Facebook page, why is that?

KU: For some reason Facebook would not let me use Kungfoocious, Karate or Unicorn in the creation of my account, so I had to get creative.

Oz: You prefer to go by Karate instead of your birth name. Is that because your crime fighting, super-hero, alter ego is so ingrained into your very being that you no longer want to be associated to your old mortal self?

KU: NO, Unicorns are pretty much immortal now and Kungfoocious is a terrible name. I prefer Karate because its kick ass, has less letters in it and fits on my cape better.

Oz: Cape? You have a cape now?

KU: Of course. Don’t most all super hero’s? In fact, it's getting made right now. I use the same tailor as Wonder Woman, however she's kind of busy redesigning Wonder Woman’s latex pants for the upteenth time, so I may have a bit of a wait on my hooves.

Oz: What prompted you to become a superhero?

KU: I was tired of hearing about Bullies and not just the kind you find on the playground. You can have bullies in every aspect of your life. You can even have bullies in the office. Some bill collectors, government agencies and administrators choose to use bully-like tactics. Sometimes there just isn’t anything you can do about it. I am that mental superhero that swoops in and kicks some ass. I am that roundhouse kick to the face, “The Crane” to the groin and that epic spleen slam of doom. I am the poop in the mailbox, TP in the tree, tack in the chair, Nair in the shampoo bottle. I'm the revenge you can't exact yourself. I am a shoulder to cry on, I am that angry e-mail you write to your a-hole boss, and the last word in an argument.

Oz: That's a pretty hefty job description. How do you find people to help?

KU: I don't. They come to me. The scientific math is very complicated but it goes a little something like this. 

pi r ^{2 = roundhouse kick to the groin.}

Oz: That's deep. You're right, a little too complicated for me, but I'll take your word for it. I understand that you also are so awesome that you have your own currency and tokens?

KU: Yes, the tokens are pretty self explanatory. If someone’s being a douche, they get a token. I just burp one out, and hand it to the obnoxious offender. Some people exude a chemical known as Obnixigen which can be like a noxious gas to those around them. I however, exude awesome, which is an antidote for those suffering souls, forced to breath in the Obnoxigen around them. The "Good Job" can be replaced with the exploitive of your choice.

 The Karate Bucks are sent to obnoxious bill collectors that continue to harass you, even after they have garnished your wages or you have told them you can not pay. I don’t have it out for bill collectors, just the jerks; the ones who are mean in the heart, not the ones just trying to earn a paycheck. I am working on a new design for my dolluhs and welcome some fresh ideas.

Oz: What are your special powers?

KU: I can pretty much do anything. I can fly, shoot lasers from my eyes, free Willy, stop speeding buses before they blow up. My strength is limitless. I’m sexy, smart, charismatic… but my horn of power is my true secret weapon of awesomeness. It can grant wishes, turn water into RedBull, summon a glitter tornado of doom and un-jam vending machines. It all pretty amazing stuff really.

Oz: What do you eat?

KU: Cupcakes, rainbows, nachos and Mountain Dew. I love mixing RedBull with pixie sticks and the powdery stuff In Captain Crunch boxes. I call it, Unicorn soup. 

Oz: That’s not typical horse food.

KU: I am not a horse. Unicorns must have a diet loaded with High Fructose Corn Syrup. I try and keep stocked up on the sweet stuff as much as possible.

Oz: What do you do in your free time?

KU: Well, when I have free time which is rare, I loved to watch this show called Vengeance Unlimited, but then it got cancelled. Then I got hooked on a show called Firefly, but that got cancelled too. Then I fell for a shhow called Eastwick, but that got cancelled. Now I watch Tru Blood, but am thinking season three was not so glorious, so I’ll just go back to knitting tiny, turtlenecked sweaters for Miniature, Russian Giraffes and working out until season 4.......that and I did manage to get into Dexter. Besides the satelite dish in my sweet candy castle in the sky  is on the fritz and I have to use my horn as an antennae in the “Crouching Tiger Hidden Remote” position. It’s not very comfy as you can imagine.

Oz: Where do you live?

KU: Like I said, I have a pretty sweet pad in the clouds, in a castle made of spun sugar and lollipops. I do have a vacation home in Sweden where I sometimes kick it with Alex.

Oz: I’m sorry, Alex? Alex whom?

Ku: Alexander Skarsgard. We’re buds.

Alex, his father Stellen and Brother Gustav and I (in the background in my usual ninja attire which includes a giant black turtleneck) I'm Kinda hard to see in  my ninja clothes.

Oz: I see, do you have many friends?

KU: Yeh, I’m pretty tight with the Keebler Elves, Sam Elliot, and Billy Shatner and Alex of course. 

Oz: Do you have a girlfriend?

KU: Yes, I am currently dating Lady Gaga. You can see my briefly in her video “Born This Way”. She was riding me in that shot. She likes my horn.

Oz: Do you let many people ride you? I mean, on your back…like a horse?

KU: Yeh, Sam, Alex and Bill of course and Dakota Fanning.

Oz: Dakota Fannning?

KU: It was a long time ago. I was down on my luck and her parents hired me for her birthday party.

Oz: Your past, tell me a little bit about it. What was it like for a Unicorn growing up?

KU: It was terrible. I was a geek in school. 

Everyone loved my twin brother. My dad barely knew I existed and my mom had to pole dance to put oats on the table. Sometimes she even took on a second job at the fair in the ring toss stand. All that hardened me, made me tough.

Note the missing twin brother in this family picture.

Oz: Brother? You have a unicorn brother?

KU: Well, clearly he's not a giraffe. Yes, I have a brother. I prefer not to talk about him.  We’re not exactly…friends.

Oz: What are your plans for the future?

KU: I am going to continue fighting for the underdog until I’m either killed or I lose my powers somehow.

Oz: If you are killed, who would take your place.

KU: I have been trying to team up with David Hasselhoff, but he doesn’t return my calls.

Oz: Is it true that you have formed a secret alliance with Robo Cop?

KU: I have been asked not to discuss this as of yet.

Oz: How did you learn Karate?

KU: I was born knowing Kungfu naturally, but in order to beat my evil twin, I had to have an edge over him. Being my twin, he has my same powers, so I had to ahve something he didn't have and that was the glorious gift of Karate. I watched every Karate Kid movie made at least 3000 times. I ate, slept and breathed the Gymakarate movie and Hong Kong Phooey until I could whip up some sweet maneuvers of my own. Soon, I was teaching Chuck Norris some moves.

Oz: Your twin is evil? Must you battle him?

KU: I have said too much already.