Wow, it's been a long time since I have written in this blog. I have got some serious weeding to do! In my absence a lot has happened. I was promoted a couple times, got married to longtime boyfriend "The Viking" and a year later, unceremoniously quit my job of 8 years. What I was not prepared for at all was exactly how much the job market has changed, how much the rules for looking for a job have changed, how much my age actually does impact the types of job I am seriously considered for and how I am treated throughout the process. But..more on that later.
After weeks of hitting the pavement, job searching via the inter-webs, going through interview after interview, I decided to take a break form the grind and have a little fun with it. So, after a day full of reading rejection letters and tweaking my resume, I drafted this fantastic cover letter for my dream job which I feel truly exemplifies what a shining example of adulting in the new millennia looks like.
20/6/2017
Hola Bitchachos,
Thank you for your consideration of me as candidate for
employment within your fine establishment.
I would like to take this opportunity to further outline my
qualifications and highlight some areas that I feel will strongly support your
organizational goals.
Skills:
I am fluent in Typo-nese, English, Russian, Swedish,
Klingon, Profanity and Drunk-text
I am able to type “Star Wars” entirely with my left hand
I will let you talk about yourself, pets and grandkids all
day long
Endless knowledge of Star Wars, Firefly, Star Trek, MST3K,
D&D, WoW, GOT, Felicia Day and
Unicorns
My training as raid leader has led to the unnatural skill of
being able to take super -fast bathroom breaks
Master of the Vulcan Neck Pinch
I am winner of such
prestigious awards as:
v
The 1989 Payless Drug Store Easter Colouring
Contest
v
1992 VanDeWarker Family Farting Contest
v
2015 Keeper of the Flame Award (picture of me
kissing the award available upon request)
Rest assured that
should you choose me to for this position you can expect : Boundless energy, glitter in my keyboard, glitter in your keyboard, random
stray cat hairs (I don’t own any indoor cat’s I just attract the hairs), disco
tourettes, Nathan Fillion Trivia,
plethora of unicorn figurines, a super
friendly smile that’s not in any way creepy or unsettling, Warren Zevon trivia,
high fives, a ridiculously fast coffee
retriever, a tiny desktop succulent farm, Mustache Mondays and finally,
sinister jazz hands.
Thank you for taking the time to review my application. I
look forward to hearing from you soon!
'IwlIj
jachjaj
Ozmarelda Körvinöas Chamberlain
Mother of Unicorns, Rider of Dragons
