The birth of Karate Unicorn

Dedicated to Tina, my Karate buddy.

I knew today was going to be bad as soon as I woke up. I had actually dreamt that I was too drunk to go to work and was stumbling around trying to get dressed when the alarm went off. That’s funny because I don’t drink. However, I did wake up like I was hung over and consequently hulked out and ate my dishwasher for being too loud.  Now I have a headache and a sudsy after taste in my mouth.

It was a friggn monsoon on the drive to work. Seriously, Noah paddled by us in his ark. Traffic was retarded and a dump truck full of rocks decided to pull out in FRONT of us, when there were no cars behind us at all, and then proceeded to drive in front of us at 15 miles an hour.

Upon entering my place of employment, I walked into the ladies room and right into someone’s mushroom cloud of a fart which I do believe actually got onto my clothes. While catching up on the local news via internet, I discovered the Vikings lay-off AND found that the company that underbid his company will more than likely NOT be hiring anyone from his crew even though he has 11 plus years on the job. I then found out that our local elementary school will be closed and the kids will have to be bussed to a neighboring town’s school. I no sooner read that report, when the front desk informed me bill collectors were calling me there. Hello? Embarrassing?!

I am not going to lie, I thought I was going to crap myself right there.  It was everything I could do to hold it together at my desk, but I did it and hung in there until lunch. I was so hungry I was shaking because apparently dishwashers are like Chinese food and fifteen minutes after eating it you’re hungry again.

We are pretty broke these days with our savings having been wiped out and my wages being garnished so my daily lunches at Tea-Time are over. Instead, I had in my possession four quarters. Four measly quarters which I hastily plunked into the vending machine. As if exacting some sort of electronic and morbid justice for the massacre of the dishwasher, the vending machine refused to acknowledge that I had indeed put four quarters into itsn coin receptacle. Nope, it had swallowed my quarter whole and refused to spit out the granola bar which cost a total of  .85 cents. All that stood between me and the glorious, honey coated oats, almond and granola goodness was a thin pane of glass. I looked around, snarling like smeigel. I could feel a diabetic coma wrapping around my throat and decided I was really to weak to round house kick the glass in and snatch away my precious. I sat back down at my desk and pouted.

That’s when a co worker sent me a whisper. It was a funny light hearted conversation. The sun parted the clouds and I began to feel euphoric! I began to realize that was my brain eating the fat stores I had been saving up for such an occasion. That is when Kungfoocios a.k.a. Karate Unicorn was born.

Karate Unicorn, is so awesome he can believe it’s not butter, can turn lead into gold and is a protector of the underdog, fighter for the oppressed and hopeless. He is your kick ass, last minute move, just when you thought you couldn't win. He is 32 hands high, 1.5 tons of pure Herc'ed out AWESOMENESS! Is there a bully in your life you can't seem to beat? Are bill collectors calling you at work? Are you held up by bureaucracy and red tape? Send him a message! Karate Unicorn.

 With guaranteed results 2% of the time, how can you go wrong? He eats Chuck Norris for breakfast and washes him down with an explosive concoction of Red Bull, battery acid and the left over powdery-stuff in the empty box of Captain Crunch. In fact, he taught Chuck all of his sweet moves. Nothing can take him down and he has no known weaknesses, except for little girls who do not believe he exists. He can run faster than the speed of light, fly, ride rainbows and shoot lasers from his eyes.

The next time someone parks so close to you in the parking lot that you have to get a can opener to get back into your vehicle, leave them a Karate Unicorn token to show your appreciation. These can be used whenever someone in your life is being an asshat.

Bill collector won’t stop harassing you and threatening to call your family, have you evicted or repo your sweet Fragle Rock collectables? Send them a new currency! Karate Unicorn bucks!

This bucks for you!


You can send Karate Unicorn e-mail with your questions or comments at Karate.Unicorn1@gmail.com of find him on facebook!